For all of my adulthood, I have gone to bed very late. Now that Im getting some perspective on my adhd and the symptoms of the disorder, I understand why. I never wanted to lay down in a quiet bed and listen to my brain revving, so I would exhaust myself. Or in the past I would have a few drinks or spend as much of the night as I could awake, keeping the mind firmly focused on something other than my own racing thoughts.
Imagine if youve done a painting, you finish a painting and show a friend, who says can I just add something to it, then they dip your brush in a pot of black paint and draw a massive cock on your canvas. That racing panicyness, that how my mind feels all day.
I think fast. I talk fast. I read fast. People have always commented on the fact that I can read a page of text about 10 times faster than Superman. But this isn't like an massive pressure to spit words out, what i utter is often total nonsense. Where the thoughts are indecipherable jumbles of childish questioning confusion. No, this is simply because my brain runs very fast, and if im not talking then im thinking.
If I can match my thinking with my environment, then I feel okay, assuming I am filling my environment with activity and excitement (surfing, facebook, multi-tasking, talking, reading several books at once, engaging in several hobbies, bungie-jumping, sky-diving, whatever). But turn down the tempo on my environment and then I become uncomfortably conscious of my thoughts, the sensation that I cannot control the speed of my thoughts.
So I don't go to bed until I'm worn out. I can be by myself for hours, but I have to be reading or doing something. I can go running or walking or workout by myself, but im occupied. Alone with my thoughts, yes, but always tempo of my head and the tempo of my external world match so everything is okay.
I was talking to a friend whose son has just been diagnosed and I described my head like a cartoon lumberjack running on a floating log, if it doesnt keep going at an ever increasing pace then it crashes, but eventually it cant go any faster and it crashes, the crash is inevitable. It is beyond control when.
For me its part of everyday, I think its more of a problem for the people around me. A few of my friends have learned how to deal with it by keeping me engaged in conversation and activity they know I'll be happy with, but I always feel a burden. I mean, a friendship shouldnt be based upon who can be bothered to constantly keep you entertaained, like a needy puppy. If I could change one thing about me it would be this, I wish my friends didnt have to deal with me at my worst. And, maybe if i didnt have adhd then good friends would be easier to come by?
Something I deal with everyday, is having a good idea or remembering something important, like a birthday, then thinking of an amazing present, but then immediately aanother thought pops in there and both originals are gone, completly gone, nowhere to be found. Like a big pot of stew boiling on the hob, with bits of vegetable floating to the top and then being replaced by new pieces, the chance of finding the original carrot is nil.
the last few week, tho, my new meds have been taking hold, the constant thinking isnt as bad, I can hold my thoughts better, sometimes I even enjoy a calm silence. Its a lovely feeling. It makes me realise that my whole adult life Ive been fighting this constant hyper mind racing and impulsivity (is that a word?).
I feel a bit of sorrow thinking that I might be dependant on medication for a while tho and I do wish I had more friends around me to offer the kind of stimulation I need on a more regular basis, for all my foibles I'll always be there when im needed for them, if only to repay the patience theyve had with me.
Also summer is nearly here! This makes me very happy because with the arrival of mr sunshine comes the opportunity for festival musics, beer gardens, bbqs and now that im back in south wales my long neglected surf board has already seen the salt water for the first time in soome years. And with the arrival of may comes the chance to revisit aberystwyth and see some of the people I miss everyday #7sball7s. Obviously Im most looking forward to the reformation of the mighty Flexoff FC and the #secretbootclub.
On a brighter note, football season is coming fast to a close. Its been an up and down season, I think ive found that competitive edge again which has reignited my love of the game although its been a massive struggle and Im still performing way way below the level that I know im capable of. Next season Im continuing my work with the pembrokshire disabled teams and the welsh homeless league and Im deffo gonna take on a coaching role in youth side as well, Id maybe quite like another managerial role in an adult side, providing they were open to ideas and the abolishing of attitude and introduction of fun football. So if there are any sides out there looking im available and badged!
I know youve missed them so heres an extra large bundle of pictorial presentation of the inner workings my mind bowl and and and a superdupr duper saucepot of a music vid.
dont forget your tooth brush cyberbots
oh before I forget...HOW GOOD IS THE VOICE!!!!!! Although sometime i wanna just give JessieJ a big hug and say softly shhhhhhhhh.
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ohhh have another one since youve been so good!
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