Well you done done me and you bet I felt it.

Swings blog readers, been a  while eh. Oh well im sure youve found something to fill your lives with.
For all of my adulthood, I have gone to bed very late. Now that Im getting some perspective on my adhd and the symptoms of the disorder, I understand why. I never wanted to lay down in a quiet bed and listen to my brain revving, so I would exhaust myself. Or in the past I would have a few drinks or spend as much of the night as I could awake, keeping the mind firmly focused on something other than my own racing thoughts.
Imagine if youve done a painting, you finish a painting and show a friend, who says can I just add something to it, then they dip your brush in a pot of black paint and draw a massive cock on your canvas.  That racing panicyness, that how my mind feels all day.
I think fast. I talk fast. I read fast. People have always commented on the fact that I can read a page of text about 10 times faster than Superman. But this isn't like an massive pressure to spit words out, what i utter is often total nonsense. Where the thoughts are indecipherable jumbles of childish questioning confusion. No, this is simply because my brain runs very fast, and if im not talking then im thinking.
If I can match my thinking with my environment, then I feel okay, assuming I am filling my environment with activity and excitement (surfing, facebook, multi-tasking, talking, reading several books at once, engaging in several hobbies, bungie-jumping, sky-diving, whatever). But turn down the tempo on my environment and then I become uncomfortably conscious of my thoughts, the sensation that I cannot control the speed of my thoughts.
So I don't go to bed until I'm worn out. I can be by myself for hours, but I have to be reading or doing something. I can go running or walking or workout by myself, but im occupied. Alone with my thoughts, yes, but always tempo of my head and the tempo of my external world match so everything is okay.
I was talking to a friend whose son has just been diagnosed and I described my head like a cartoon lumberjack running on a floating log, if it doesnt keep going at an ever increasing pace then it crashes, but eventually it cant go any faster and it crashes, the crash is inevitable. It is beyond control when.
For me its part of everyday, I think its more of a problem for the people around me.  A few of my friends have learned how to deal with it by keeping me engaged in conversation and activity they know I'll be happy with, but I always feel a burden.  I mean, a friendship shouldnt be based upon who can be bothered to constantly keep you entertaained, like a needy puppy.  If I could change one thing about me it would be this, I wish my friends didnt have to deal with me at my worst.  And, maybe if i didnt have adhd then good friends would be easier to come by?
Something I deal with everyday, is having a good idea or remembering something important, like a birthday, then thinking of an amazing present, but then immediately aanother thought pops in there and both originals are gone, completly gone, nowhere to be found.  Like a big pot of stew boiling on the hob, with bits of vegetable floating to the top and then being replaced by new pieces, the chance of finding the original carrot is nil.
the last few week, tho, my new meds have been taking hold, the constant thinking isnt as bad, I can hold my thoughts better, sometimes I even enjoy a calm silence.  Its a lovely feeling.  It makes me realise that my whole adult life Ive been fighting this constant hyper mind racing and impulsivity (is that a word?).
I feel a bit of sorrow thinking that I might be dependant on medication for a while tho and I do wish I had more friends around me to offer the kind of stimulation I need on a more regular basis, for all my foibles I'll always be there when im needed for them, if only to repay the patience theyve had with me.
Also summer is nearly here!  This makes me very happy because with the arrival of mr sunshine comes the opportunity for festival musics, beer gardens, bbqs and now that im back in south wales my long neglected surf board has already seen the salt water for the first time in soome years.  And with the arrival of may comes the chance to revisit aberystwyth and see some of the people I miss everyday #7sball7s.  Obviously Im most looking forward to the reformation of the mighty Flexoff FC and the #secretbootclub.
On a brighter note, football season is coming fast to a close.  Its been an up and down season, I think ive found that competitive edge again which has reignited my love of the game although its been a massive struggle and Im still performing way way below the level that I know im capable of.  Next season Im continuing my work with the pembrokshire disabled teams and the welsh homeless league and Im deffo gonna take on a coaching role in youth side as well, Id maybe quite like another managerial role in an adult side, providing they were open to ideas and the abolishing of attitude and introduction of fun football.  So if there are any sides out there looking im available and badged!

I know youve missed them so heres an extra large bundle of pictorial presentation of the inner workings my mind bowl and and and a superdupr duper saucepot of a music vid.
dont forget your tooth brush cyberbots
oh before I forget...HOW GOOD IS THE VOICE!!!!!! Although sometime i wanna just give JessieJ a big hug and say softly shhhhhhhhh.

blahblahblah

ohhh have another one since youve been so good!

we are the angry mob, we read the papers everyday

I do not doubt for a second that those involved in KONY 2012 have great intentions, nor do I doubt for a second that Joseph Kony is a very evil man. But despite this, I’m strongly opposed to the KONY 2012 campaign.
KONY 2012 is the product of a group called Invisible Children, a controversial activist group and not-for-profit. They’ve released 11 films, most with an accompanying bracelet colour (KONY 2012 is fittingly red), all of which focus on Joseph Kony. When we buy merch from them, when we link to their video, when we put up posters linking to their website, we support the organization. I don’t think that’s a good thing, and I’m not alone.
Invisible Children has been condemned time and time again. As a registered not-for-profit, its finances are public. Last year, the organization spent $8,676,614. Only 32% went to direct services (page 6), with much of the rest going to staff salaries, travel and transport, and film production. This is far from ideal, and Charity Navigator rates their accountability 2/4 stars because they haven’t had their finances externally audited. But it goes way deeper than that.
The group is in favour of direct military intervention, and their money supports the Ugandan government’s army and various other military forces. Here’s a photo of the founders of Invisible Children posing with weapons and personnel of the Sudan People’s Liberation Army. Both the Ugandan army and Sudan People’s Liberation Army are riddled with accusations of rape and looting, but Invisible Children defends them, arguing that the Ugandan army is “better equipped than that of any of the other affected countries”, although Kony is no longer active in Uganda and hasn’t been since 2006 by their own admission. These books each refer to the rape and sexual assault that are perennial issues with the UPDF, the military group Invisible Children is defending.
Still, the bulk of Invisible Children’s spending isn’t on supporting African militias, but on awareness and filmmaking. Which can be great, except that Foreign Affairs has claimed that Invisible Children (among others) “manipulates facts for strategic purposes, exaggerating the scale of LRA abductions and murders and emphasizing the LRA’s use of innocent children as soldiers, and portraying Kony — a brutal man, to be sure — as uniquely awful, a Kurtz-like embodiment of evil.” He’s certainly evil, but exaggeration and manipulation to capture the public eye is unproductive, unprofessional and dishonest.
As Christ Blattman, a political scientist at Yale, writes on the topic of IC’s programming, “There’s also something inherently misleading, naive, maybe even dangerous, about the idea of rescuing children or saving of Africa. […] It hints uncomfortably of the White Man’s Burden. Worse, sometimes it does more than hint. The savior attitude is pervasive in advocacy, and it inevitably shapes programming. Usually misconceived programming.”
Still, Kony’s a bad guy, and he’s been around a while. Which is why the US has been involved in stopping him for years. U.S. Africa Command (AFRICOM) has sent multiple missions to capture or kill Kony over the years. And they’ve failed time and time again, each provoking a ferocious response and increased retaliative slaughter. The issue with taking out a man who uses a child army is that his bodyguards are children. Any effort to capture or kill him will almost certainly result in many children’s deaths, an impact that needs to be minimized as much as possible. Each attempt brings more retaliation. And yet Invisible Children supports military intervention. Kony has been involved in peace talks in the past, which have fallen through. But Invisible Children is now focusing on military intervention.
Military intervention may or may not be the right idea, but people supporting KONY 2012 probably don’t realize they’re supporting the Ugandan military who are themselves raping and looting away. If people know this and still support Invisible Children because they feel it’s the best solution based on their knowledge and research, I have no issue with that. But I don’t think most people are in that position, and that’s a problem.
Is awareness good? Yes. But these problems are highly complex, not one-dimensional and, frankly, aren’t of the nature that can be solved by postering, film-making and changing your Facebook profile picture, as hard as that is to swallow. Giving your money and public support to Invisible Children so they can spend it on supporting ill-advised violent intervention and movie #12 isn’t helping. Do I have a better answer? No, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean that you should support KONY 2012 just because it’s something. Something isn’t always better than nothing. Sometimes it’s worse.
If you want to write to your Member of Parliament or your Senator or the President or the Prime Minister, by all means, go ahead. If you want to post about Joseph Kony’s crimes on Facebook, go ahead. But let’s keep it about Joseph Kony, not KONY 2012.
~ Grant Oyston, visiblechildren@grantoyston.com