Have you seen that story in the news the last week or so about the guy in Florida who was shot to death for refusing to stop eating another mans face?
The American press have labelled him the Miami Cannibal, jokingly, but for me this is just another worrying nail in the coffin of humanity as we succumb to.... yes.... THE IMPENDING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!
So serious is the impending zombie apocalypse (zompocalypse) the some forward thinking American types have already started selling zombie ammunition in 7 different calibres so all the gun toting sane people can be sure to 'make dead permanent'.
This latest zombie attack (zattack) is being attributed to a drug called 'cloud nine' which is freely available in the US but banned here in blighty. In fact cloud nine has been linked to several zattacks and zombie style incidents (zomcidents) in the last month. C9 is an amalgamation of dangerous chemicals and stimulants that has been described as a cause of seriously unpredictable behaviour and potentially terrifying hallucinations... and also I can totally see a headline involving it like 'CLOUD NINE RESPONSIBLE FOR UNDEAD ATTACK' or 'BRITAIN QUARANTINED AFTER CLOUD NINE EXPOSURE.' It totally works as an evil zombie causing chemical (zocausical).
What other zomcidents have been linked to C9 i hear you bellow, I must know in order to correctly plan to defend my home and family against zombie invasion (zomvasion). Well here's your definitive list of what i consider to be the beginning of the end of humanity.
16th May 2012: Macarthur High school in north Hollywood are investigated by a HazMat team after reports of an ominous sounding 'serious rash' broke out. Twelve students and two teachers are quarantined...
18th May 2012: Five people are hospitalised after an 'unknown chemical' exposure in Ft Lauderdale, Hollywood Internation Airport freight storage...
20th May: 41 year old Dr Zachery Bird is arrested and quarantined after spitting blood into a police mans face, he was described as extremely agitated and seemed enraged as he repeatedly banged his head and face on the patrol cars Plexiglas partition while snarling at the arresting officer...
23rd May: Another mysterious rash at Bronward County Highschool, another quarantine, HazMat teams again offer no official statement.
24th May: a 'disorientated and agitated' Canadian man is arrested aboard an American Airlines plane after attacking passengers and inexplicably trying to rush the cockpit.
30th May: 31 year old Rudy Eugene, rampages naked through the streets of Miami clutching a bible so hard his fingernails bled. Before attacking a homeless man and chewing off "80% of his face," police couldn't get him to stop and were forced to shoot him dead.
7th June: Brandon De Leon is arrested and put under 'special observations' after attacking patrons in a Miami restaurant, when two policemen arrested him, he too slammed his head repeatedly against the divide screaming 'im gonna eat you.' upon arrival at police station he had to be fitted with a Hannibal Lector style mask after trying to bite medical officers who were trying to treat his facial wounds.
9th June: Carl Jacquneaux gnaws chunks out of a neighbours face after acting irrationally while mowing his lawn. Police described him has 'growling and opening and closing his jaw to slam his teeth like an animal would.'
10th June: University of Illinois tweets warning to students; "Hazardous materials released at Institute for Genomic Biology. Escape area if safe to do so. Otherwise seek shelter."
10th June: Hackensack, New Jersey, a man was rushed to the hospital after he reportedly cut out his own intestines and threw them at police officers. He reportedly is in a stable condition but remains sedated as he still appears wildly agitated.
Proof blind that the zompocalypse is upon us. I say to you forget about facebook shares, your money will be better spent on canned good, bottled water and heavy blunt instruments, as, although currently reports are only coming in from the US we know from bird flu, swine flu and SARS and also the films Contagion and Outbreak that disease particularly advanced zombie disorder (adzomder) knows no borders.
I do like all of you, heck I love you cos you read my ramblings, so I hope that the following pointers will help you survive long enough to make it to a zombie free zone (zolesszone) or for them all to starve from lack of flesh/brain consumption. If you have any helpful hints please do let me know and we can add them to the list.
Rule 1
Cardio- as stated in the film Zombieland, keep fit and healthy, how many fatties do you see surviving chasing zombie hoards.
Rule 2
Small rooms with only one entrance are dangerous as they only have one exit. Its not worth the risk, these rooms include bathrooms, do your business somewhere defend able.
Rule 3
Make sure- when dispatching the undead it never hurts to 'make sure' so an extra shot to the brain hole or an extra wallop with the cricket bat is essential.
Rule 4
Friends have benefits- groups provide safety throughout nature. Travelling with someone who is strong is a plus, hanging with three midgets, an old man with a limp, several middle aged women will insure the zombies are kept busy while you leg one. Also dumb blonds who are all like 'what happened' where am i' make for exceptional zombiebait and while they survive good eye candy.
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| Zombiefodder |
Be efficient- amateur will be heading straight to the gun cabinet upon hearing the scratching at the door, but the savvy will be grabbing for the blunt instrument... guns always jam at the least convenient moment.
Rule 6
Zombies cant climb good- if you need to stop to re asses your situation get up high, zombies are bad at getting up things.
Rule 7
Chavs will save us- Chavs are loud, brash, armed and ready to fight things! So when a kappa tracksuited cap wearing wkd drinking little egg joins your group, embrace them, they will take out a fair few undead before eventually being eaten.
Rule 8
The Money Shot- aim for the head if you want them dead
Rule 9
don't keep pets- animals can be zombies too, it would be a shame to eliminate all the kick ass zombies then get turned because your ginger cat scratched your balls to humour itself.
Rule 10
Stay Calm- Losing your head in the zompocalypse will more likely than not result in you literally losing your head.
That's it potential brain lickers that's all the advice your getting from me. I do hope you make it through any zomcidents unscathed, but, it is likely that Internet wont work during this trying zompocalypse so I cant advise you further... I have though included a cut out and build your own zombie kit, which you can use to practise your zombie smashing (zoshing) on. Enjoy, and, I suggest you start getting used to corned beef.
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