I told you I was trouble, you know that Im no good

Hello possums,
Now I do realize that very often I write to you all about the wonderful sport of soccer-tainment and the issues and trials and tribulations surrounding the beautiful game.  I also realize that this may alienate some of you who do enjoy the sport watching or playing... for this i say tough poops, I break it up with enough inane nonsense to please you all, deal with it.
I enjoyed writing my previous list the http://betterthancola.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/but-there-were-planes-to-catch-and.html post so much I begin this week with the first installment of "Taffs Ten Top Tens" a series of ten top ten of varying subjects... this weeks subject I chose as currently the news is flood with news of andy carrolls imminent departure from Anfield, a fair short time after a much debated £35,000,000 transfer.  Despite a recent return to something resembling form Andy has only managed 6 goals in 42 games for the once mighty LOLverpool, but, luckily for the gypsy haired giant this is just enough to keep him out of:

Taffs All time Worst ever transfers of all time ever ever.

1. Goalkeeper; Massimo Taibi (Manchester United)

One of only two goalkeepers ever to score from open play in Serie A. The 'Venetian Blind' cost Sir Alex £4.5 million in 1999.  With Peter Schmeichels treble winning boots to fill it was never going to be easy for Mas.  In his debut against Liverpool he flapped very continentally at a Sami Hypia free kick, but went on to get a man of the match in a 3-2 win.  But unfortunately the other 3 games he played for manchester united didnt end so well, and, he managed to concede a further 8 goals, including that one where Le Tiss put it through his legs from 40 yards. 1.20 million per game, not so good value for fergie.  He actually went on to have a mediocre career back in Italy.


2. Right Back: Khalid Bouharouz (Chelsea)

'The Cannibal' was named so because of his ability to 'eat up' his oppenents.  He cost the chosen one a cool £8.5 million in 2006.  He was given such a price tag because he could play 'anywhere' especially across the back four, Jose gave him the number 9 shirt.  He started off okay and i remember him popping a prime time Ronhaldinho in his pocket for 90 mins in a champions league game.  But as the year wore on people realised he couldnt pass, he had an appauling first touch and all he could really manage was to occasionally make contact with the football as he fell to the floor.  His career can be opitomised in one moment, the moment pint sized fox in the box Robbie Keane did a stepover so slowly Khalid instantly fell to his bottom and allowed him to score.  He was bit part at Stuttgart until this year, he's available currently on a free.

3: left back; Paul Konchesky (Liverpool)

A Product of the same youth system that spat out such footballing dignitaries as John Terry and Jermaine Defoe, £4million was a bargain for a defender who had already amassed 200 premier league starts and Europa league runners up medal.  31st august 2010 he signed a four deal with Liverpool, 4 months later he joined Nottingham Forest and 4 months after that Leicester City snapped him up for a 'nominal' fee.  The lesson this football story imparts: footballers who state their idol is Julian Dicks probably going to be an arsehole





4: centre back; per kroldrup (Everton)

Not to be outdone by their red neighbors Everton splashed out a cool £5 million on the Dane on the back of a European Championships in which he played exactly 0 minutes of football.  A rare miss for the Moyes-sahhia, he made his debut in a 4-0 loss at the hands of Aston Villa, he stated he was struggling with the physical aspect of the British game, he left.  He can still be seen enjoying not being tackled in Italy.

5: Centre Back (L); Djimi Traore (Charlton)

When Alan Pardew was asked would you like a defender thats comfortable in the middle or on the left, has over 100 premier league starts, a champions league winners medal and is one of the most capped players of all time for his nation he had already written and signed the check before anyone told him it was Djimi Traore.  Unfortunately that check was for two million pounds and constituted the majority of Charltons transfer budget for the season.  He was sent off on his debut, and then again in his first match back after a 4 game ban.  He played 11 times in total, before being shipped off to Portsmouth to help them get relegated.  Dont blame it on the sunshine, dont blame it on the moonlight, dont blame it on the goodtime, blame it on traore.

6: Right Midfield; Bebe (Manchester United)

The story of Bebe (Tiago Corriera) is one that could oh so easily be part of a Hollywood blockbuster.  Abandoned as a child in Cape Verde, he was adopted by his grandmother and the lived in Lisbon, but was taken into care by his church.  After playing in several street football festivals and the homeless world cup he signed professional terms in Portugal, the club he signed for had financial problems and never actually paid him a wage, but he was free to sign for another, Guimareis.  They slapped an £8 million price tag on him, which for some reason attracted Carlos Quiroz, who at the time was Fergies number two (in every sense of the word).  Sir Alex met Bebe on the day he arrived to sign papers.  If it was a movie of course Bebe would come on a sub and score the winner in the champions league final, of course life is not a movie and Bebe isnt actually any good at football.  Still at United, been on loan to Besikitas, last seen being used as a sub in the bright lights fa cup tie against crawley town, in which he failed to impress.

7: Left Midfield;  Albert Luque (Newcastle United)

Possibly the only player to have ever scored for Newcastle against Sunderland and still be remembered as terrible.  I recall him being more one sided than the argument for a registry for sex offenders.  He cost Greame Souness a princely £9.5 million english pounds.  His transfer was investigated by the Stevens report in 2007 and found there were serious anomalies.  Basically Souness has signed a bag of shite on the promise of a brown envelope, he still managed 21 games for the magpies before joining Ajax for zero pounds and zero pence.

8: Central Midfield (L); Juan Sebastion Veron (Manchester United)

Probably Sir Alexs biggest faux pa, as well his top ten hat trick.  Sebba cost the red devils a kings ransom or £28,100,000, which was at the time the most expensive transfer in English football history.  He wasn't too bad in the Champions League, but he was yet another victim of 'the English game,' essentially he didn't like the fact the opposing players had the cheek to close him down and tackle him before he was allowed to pass the ball.  Despite this Fergie defended the Argentine by saying 'he is a fucking great player, you're all fucking idiots.' at a press conference.

9: Central Midfield (R) Juan Sebastion Veron (Chelsea)

Roman Abramovich has a thick wallet, and, as if to demonstrate it he forked out £15,000,000 for sebba after Fergie reluctantly admitted he had no future at Manchester United.  He managed 15 appearances and even got himself a goal before the special one sent him back to italy where he enjoyed much more success as he was afforded the time and space he needed on the pitch.  Last seen enjoying the adulation of Diego Maradonna while being handed the international captains armband for Argentina

10: Striker;  Sergei Rebrov (Tottenham Hotspur)

Through the decade of the 90s the teaming of Rebrov and Shevchenko catapulted an otherwise mediocre Dinamo Kiev side to international super stardom.  Shev banked himself a transfer to the Italian top division, and soon afterward the premier league came knocking for the Ukrainian League all time top goalscorer.  It was George Graham who outbid Man Utd and Arsenal with modest eleven million pounds.  Sergei offered an even more modest return, bagging 9 goals in his first season and career ending 1 goal in 31 matches during his second season.  More than a million pounds per goal is too much even in today football economy.

11: Striker;  Steve Marlet (Fulham)

Fulham got promoted to the Premier League in 2001,  the chairman, Mohammed Al-Fayed celebrated by splashing out £11.5 million plus fees on the french target man Marlet.  He managed 11 goals in two season before he was sent to Lyon, where Fulham continued to pay his wages.  Just as a gauge as to how bad Market was, Al-Fayed sacked the manager that signed him (Jean Tigana) in the same season he signed him, he later took Tigana to court for 'over-paying' for Marlet.

Subs:
Bosko Balaban (£5.8), Jean Alain Boumsong (£8), Ali Dia (free), Tomas Brolin (£3) , Marcelino (£5.8), Eric Djemba-Djemba (£6.5)


At a combined cost of over £130,000,000 you would struggle to get these players onto a dream team together.
If you have any suggestions for transfers feel free to drop me the info and if its good enough I'll consider a swap.
Coming up in the top ten collections
-ten things every man should own
-ten most over rated movies of all time
and other top ten lists you have no interest in....

see you in a week or so....
Taffy xxxo